At some point, you begin to realize things about yourself. You notice that you always put your shoes on the same way or you follow the exact same routine without deviation every day. Or maybe you feel like you're missing something if you decided to skip stopping for coffee or breakfast. Some people, more severely, literally cannot function without doing certain things a certain way. At what point are you actually a prisoner of your own mind?
For me, it is almost relentless fear that something is severely medically wrong with me. I end up stressing myself out so bad that I literally manifest the very symptoms I'm petrified of and the cycle repeats over and over. It's terrifying and exhausting. Every little ache or pain means something shockingly severe is wrong with me and I panic. I know it's irrational and completely unfounded, but that doesn't mean the monster in my head is going to just go away. No, it just yells louder.
My monster is anxiety and it can be relentless. Most of the time, I am perfectly fine aside from boughts of insimnia here or there. Other times, I have trouble focusing or staying awake. I may obsess over things like symptoms of illnesses I almost certainly don't have, but swear that I do. I also get increasingly worried about my husband hating me or wishing I was better, prettier, thinner, and pretty much everything I'm not. I can be short-tempered or easily upset and could cry about anything. Those are the worst days - days I wish I didn't have to ever endure again.
How do I deal? Sometimes, not very well. I'm horrible at self-care. Having three kids and a husband and a full time job doesn't leave me too much time for, well, me. At any point, I am pulled in a million different directions and will gladly triple the load for those I love because that's the kind of person I am, but it's so unhealthly and slowly eats away at my mental health. We all need to recharge and I am trying to find my way.
Why do I bring any of this up? Simply because this is my outlet. This is my distraction and part of my self-care. Writing and reading are just things I need to do. I calm down, I rationalize, I imagine constructively, I give my mind something to do that isn't abusive to my well-being. Most of the time. This isn't an exact science, after all.
If you struggle with a mental illness, don't be afraid to put yourself first. Tell your loved ones what you need. Tell your doctors what you need. If they won't listen, find a different doctor until you find one who will. You know yourself better than anyone so you better fight every single day to make your time on this earth exactly what it needs to be, happy, healthy, and full of love, because you deserve it. Don't let anyone dismiss you and know that there is always someone who loves you and will fight along side you.
ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING
NEVER GIVE UP
YOU ARE WORTH IT
....and so am I
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING AND NEEDS HELP, PLEASE CONTACT THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE AT 1-800-273-8255 OR GO ONLINE TO HTTPS://SUICIDEPREVENTIONHOTLINE.ORG. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I'm a writer, a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. My journey as a published author is in full swing and I'm inviting all my friends along for the ride!