The hold is so tight I can barely breathe,
My chest is heavy and my knees are weak.
The thought train is racing at warp speed,
It can't stop, won't stop, or leave me be.
Hot or cold, I can't tell which one I am,
Shivers down my spine though my palms are sweaty.
My tiny voice unheard in the chaos,
All I want is five minutes of piece and quiet.
It's amazing how loud your own mind is,
Seems even louder when the rest of the world is quiet.
Anything, and I mean anything, to drown it out.
But as soon as I'm alone it's like I'm drowning.
The smile on my face is a courtesy,
No one wants to see what I really see.
Imagine your most horrible self in your reflection,
Now imagine that's how you see yourself daily.
It doesn't make sense aloud or in my head,
What's worse is when you know it can't stop.
Why can't I shut it off or turn it down or drown it out?
I just want to be alone inside my head.
I don't hear voices I just hear one,
I hear myself screaming about the shitty person I've become.
It tells me I've lied and cried and deserved pain,
It tells me I'm worthless and useless and should be ashamed.
But when it's done yelling it apologizes,
Kind of like the one who made me this way.
Shhh it'll be okay, I didn't mean it, I love you,
But waiting until the next time to really fuck you.
I mean, this isn't normal, but I know,
And I can't talk about it so I don't.
No one cares and if they do, they don't really,
Because as hard as it is for you, it's harder for me.
So just breathe and let it go,
Or try to and then hope for the best.
Because one day I'll wake up and won't feel this way,
Or at least that's what I'm supposed to say.
I'm a writer, a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. My journey as a published author is in full swing and I'm inviting all my friends along for the ride!